6
Mrs Claus
What a mistake-a to make-a. It would never have happened under my watch. Those best value savvy children of the world aren’t half as clever as they think they are. If the day ever came when I wouldn’t be laughed off Are you smarter than a ten year old because of my appearance, I’d like to face this bunch. I know they’re just kids – but really, e-mailing clarification responses to everyone involved is most definitely a school-boy error. And yes, I know that many of them will be schoolboys.
So, who are we up against I hear you ask. Well for starters, one of our former employees has had the brass neck to bid for this one. Since getting her teeth fixed and moving from the toy production line into the dental game, all the fame has certainly gone to the Tooth Fairy’s head. Yes, she delivers. Yes, she’s adept at making her deliveries without waking a child from sleep – but good God man, she’s dealing with mere enamel and small change. It’s not like she’s running the world’s largest not for profit toy production and distribution venture. Just imagine her struggling to handle Santa’s massive sack. It brings tears to my eyes.
They have also pulled the Easter Bunny out of the hat. Now that’s funny. Throughout history rabbits have demonstrated how lax, lazy, unprofessional and impossible to depend upon they are. Look no further than the hare beaten by the tortoise or that intoxicated, guitar playing rodent from the Magic Roundabout. Spring will have sprung before old big ears gets the presents delivered – and just imagine the mess in people’s living rooms with him burrowing up through the floor instead of coming down the chimney. Never going to happen.
And finally – the Grinch. Yes, you heard me correctly, the Grinch. Could they be so stupid? He’s a misanthropic loner, with a heart two-times too small, so what if he says that he’s turned over a new leaf. It’s not true. It’s not even original. He’s used the whole dressing as Santa ruse before to steal Christmas. Who does he think he’s kidding? They might as well hire Scrooge, before he was visited by the Ghosts Christmas past, present and future. What the dickens?
It doesn't matter who we're up against. Seriously, this one is already in the bag (or Santa's sack).
The pitch is just their way of trying to shake things up.
Us reindeer will go in there with the big guy in red and we'll knock their stockings off! We'll have them begging us to keep doing what we do best - delivering toys in style!
Bon Jovial your confidence is admirable but remember it's almost always harder for the incumbent, so please sprinkle a little application in with the enthusiasm. As Delia would say, preparation, preparation, preparation...and then get a tin out of the cupboard and warm it in the microwave.
They'll be so dazzled by our ridiculous good looks and charisma (oh and my huge earings), they'll be slush in our paws!
Christmas without Reindeer and Santa? I don't think so.
Persoanlly, I don't think we should even be pitching for this. They know we can do it. We've been doing it for the past 200 years. They should be grateful for everything we've done for them up til now, not asking us to pitch against some amateurs who'll inevitably say they'll do it quicker and cheaper.
But... if it'll make you feel a bit better Mrs Claus I'll give my antlers a good polish in time for the pitch.
Vixen and I obviously grasp how this pitching mullarky works much better than the paper pushers, they don't actually read it you know - they just look at the pretty pictures and then turn to the back to see exactly how much our reindeer fabulousness costs!
I have dirt on the Easter Bunny. And a number of photographs of the Tooth Fairy in a compromising position. Fear not.
Errr....you can't see anyone else in that photo can you?
Antlers have been photoshopped out to protect the guilty. I have kept the originals though. Remember that the next time you think it's funny to steal my tiara at the Christmas party.
Was that me? I'd had a few sherries that night so can't really be held responsible for my actions.