Merry Christmas your arse

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat, but not as fat as my husband’s head, the big, beardy oaf. He’s been sitting on a whole load of extremely important work that requires urgent action – or our goose could be well and truly cooked. For good. To add to the usual pressure of getting toys out to the children of the world, this year we must first earn the right because the little darlings have put the work out to tender. To paraphrase my husband ho ho no! I can’t say I’m surprised to tell you the truth, after last year’s shambolic efforts – but to be fair we got the job done. But on reflection, maybe we’ve just been getting the job done for years. Maybe we’ve lost that creative spark, that passion that esprit de corps and sprizteturer.

I’m not sure that many of you will recall pitching for the contract last time, it was more than 200 years ago after-all. There’s been a fair amount of staff turn-over since then and vast quantities of sherry were consumed to get us through the last process. If anyone does remember – please let me know. Rather embarrassingly, we’re having trouble locating the original contract (the work shop is a bit of a tip at the moment, wrapping paper on floors under desks, packing boxes unpacked and baubles well and truly on display. Snowmen, can we have a bit of a tidy please) and could do with some help in locating it.

Getting back to the work in hand, we received the invitation to tender in early November and when I say Santa has been sitting on this – I’m not talking metaphors, I mean literally. He stood up from his chair the other day, where he had been busy having a snooze, and the thing was stuck to the seat of his ever tighter red pants – along with a candy cane, a post-it note reminding him to put the bins out and several midget gems. We had words. There were tears. Big fat ones, rolling down his chubby cheeks. He finally put the bins out. But, as we always say round here, we are where we are. The brief is now up on the intranet (along with appendices a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h and 54 and sub-sections 89,42 and rhubarb) and I would like everyone to make themselves familiar with it, as this one will involve the whole team. Watch this space for responsibilities and tasks – Head Elf will be in touch.

The toys are back in town (fingers crossed) love Mrs C.