I'll get to the bottom of this

Could all key holders remember to lock the stock cupboard door when the working day is done? We’ve had an unfortunate incident which really makes a mockery of the nascent environmental policy.

Myself and a crack team of elves spent all morning clearing up after someone or someone's (I’m naming no names but I have theories and will be working them up) managed to get into the aforementioned cupboard following the printing, stapling and binding seminar and besmirch and be-foul it. There were root-vegetable-beer cans all over the floor. I found a Frumpy and Tinkermel sandwich (I know this would be a dream come true for some of you deviants – but let me tell you it was straight out of my private hell) using some foolscap folders. Rudolf’s new nose lay shattered on the floor (even though I object to fancy-dan frippery, I’m even more against mindless acts of vandalism) and some very poorly constructed and grammatically incorrect graffiti stating reindeers are useless.

We also found reams and reams of damp photocopier paper all over and around the colour printer. I can only hazard a guess at the kind of drink fuelled hi-jinx involved. I have no proof, but I’m onto you. Only snowmen would think that photocopying a white bottom onto white paper would be a good idea. I’m going to give the culprits two days to come forward of their own volition. Then I’ll let slip the festive elves of war.

Roy.